Siblings: When One Child Struggles and Another Doesn't
A 2012 review found that children notice early how parents treat them compared with a sibling (McHale and colleagues, 2012). The effects of being treated differently depended on whether children understood the reasons. In our view, say your reasons out loud. We hold no study of comparing siblings' schoolwork. Our advice is not to compare your children's schoolwork.
TL;DR
- A 2012 review looked at research on brothers and sisters (McHale and colleagues, 2012). It found that children notice early how parents treat them compared with a sibling. Being treated differently was linked to poorer sibling relationships. But it mattered whether children understood the reasons and thought the difference fair.
- We hold no study of comparing siblings' schoolwork. Our advice is not to compare your children's schoolwork.
- In our view, tell both children why one gets extra help.
Being treated differently. As we use the words, being treated differently means a parent handling one child differently from a brother or sister. A 2012 review looked at privileges, discipline, conflict and affection (McHale and colleagues, 2012).
”Being treated differentlyThe short answer
We hold no study of how siblings get on when one finds math hard. The two reviews on this page are about brothers and sisters in general.
What two reviews found
A 2012 review looked at research on brothers and sisters (McHale and colleagues, 2012). It found that children notice early how parents treat them compared with a sibling. Being treated differently was linked to poorer sibling relationships. The less-favored child generally coped less well. But it mattered whether children understood the reasons and thought the difference fair. In our view, that makes it worth saying the reasons out loud.
A 2023 review pooled 66 sources (Jensen and colleagues, 2023). Parents treated siblings more differently when they were further apart in age. The same held when one was a boy and one a girl. The authors say parents may treat siblings differently partly because they are different.
One small study of families
One small, older study asked 19 parents and 19 brothers and sisters (Dyson, 1996). Each family had a child with a learning disability. The brothers and sisters felt about themselves much as children in other families did. The study is too small to say much in general.
We read the full 2012 review. For the other studies on this page, we could read only summaries.
Steps you can try at home
- Tell both children why one gets extra help.
- Talk about each child's work on its own.
- Give each child some time with you that is not about school.
These steps are our own practice, not a tested method. Nothing in the studies on this page tests Learning Success.
When to ask for help
Each of these is a reason to ask for help on its own.
- Little change, even with steady practice and good teaching.
- Math well below your child's other schoolwork.
- A teacher who raises a concern about math.
- Extreme upset about math.
- Complete avoidance of math.
- Worry about math that spreads into the rest of learning.
- Sadness or worry that lasts.
- A skill that was there and has gone. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first, not a tutor.
If no skill has gone, start with the teacher. Say what you are seeing at home, and what you have tried. Beyond the teacher, the right person depends on what it turns out to be about. If the work is too hard, someone who works on that school skill. If worry or mood is the thing, someone who works with children's mental health. In our view, if you are worried enough to ask, a professional evaluation is worth asking about.
Any talk of hurting themselves is a same-day call to your doctor or a crisis line.
What to use next
A set of questions you answer about what you see at home. A screener is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If your child might need formal accommodations (an IEP or 504 plan), or you suspect a vision, hearing, or medical cause, pursue a professional evaluation too — that's the only route to those supports.
What sits underneath arithmetic, one skill at a time, worked alongside math instruction, not in place of it.
Common questions from parents
Should I compare my children's schoolwork?
We hold no study of comparing siblings' schoolwork. So we cannot tell you what it does. Our advice is not to compare your children's schoolwork. In our view, talk about each child's work on its own. These steps are our own practice, not a tested method.
What if one child gets more help?
A 2023 review pooled 66 sources (Jensen and colleagues, 2023). The authors say parents may treat siblings differently partly because they are different. We could read only a summary of that review. A 2012 review looked at research on brothers and sisters (McHale and colleagues, 2012). Being treated differently was linked to poorer sibling relationships. But it mattered whether children understood the reasons and thought the difference fair. In our view, that makes it worth saying the reasons out loud.
Will my other child be jealous?
We hold no study of jealousy between siblings. In our view, tell both children why one gets extra help. Give each child some time with you that is not about school. These steps are our own practice, not a tested method.