Two Parents, Two Approaches: Getting on the Same Page
We hold no study of parents disagreeing about a child's learning. A 2018 review looked at conflict between parents in general (Harold and Sellers, 2018). It found how they express and handle it matters to children. Our own advice: agree on one small thing to try. Talk it over away from your child. Take the question to the teacher together.
TL;DR
- We hold no study of parents disagreeing about a child's learning. A 2018 review looked at conflict between parents and how it affects children (Harold and Sellers, 2018). It found that how parents express and handle conflict matters to children. The review is about conflict between parents in general.
- A US government brief gives advice on helping children manage feelings (Rosanbalm and Murray, 2017). It says adults should start with their own calm. It is expert advice, not a tested program.
- Agree on one small thing to try. Talk it over away from your child. Take the question to the teacher together. These steps are our own practice, not a tested method.
Co-parenting. As we use the word, co-parenting is how two adults raising a child work on it together.
”Co-parentingThe short answer
We hold no study of parents disagreeing about a child's learning. So we cannot tell you what research says about this.
A 2018 review looked at conflict between parents and how it affects children (Harold and Sellers, 2018). It found that how parents express and handle conflict matters to children. That held whether the parents lived together or apart. The review is about conflict between parents in general.
In our view, what counts is how you handle a disagreement, not agreeing on everything.
What a government brief advises
A US government brief gives advice on helping children manage feelings (Rosanbalm and Murray, 2017). It says adults should start with their own calm. For school-age children, it lists showing them how to settle a conflict. It is expert advice, not a tested program. The research behind its advice was mostly with babies and preschool children.
Except for the 2017 government brief, we read only summaries of the sources above.
Steps the two of you can try
- Agree on one small thing to try first.
- Talk it over away from your child.
- If you argue in front of your child, let them see you settle it calmly.
- Take the question to the teacher together. Each of you can say what you see at home.
These steps are our own practice, not a tested method. Nothing in the studies on this page tests Learning Success.
When to ask for help
Some children could do something and now cannot. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first, not a tutor.
If no skill has gone, start with the teacher. Say what you are seeing at home, and what you have tried.
Any talk of hurting themselves is a same-day call to your doctor or a crisis line.
What to use next
Common questions from parents
What if my partner thinks our child is lazy?
Your partner may read your child's struggles as laziness. Our position is that calling it "lazy" only means the effort has not met the right setup yet. In our experience, the work is often too big or too hard. Look at the task and the setup together. If nothing shifts, take it to the teacher together.
Does it hurt our child when we disagree?
We hold no study of parents disagreeing about a child's learning. A 2018 review looked at conflict between parents in general (Harold and Sellers, 2018). It found that how parents express and handle conflict matters to children. That held whether the parents lived together or apart. In our view, what counts is how you handle a disagreement, not agreeing on everything.
How do we get on the same page?
A government brief says adults should start with their own calm (Rosanbalm and Murray, 2017). It is expert advice, not a tested program. Then agree on one small thing to try first. Talk it over away from your child. Take the question to the teacher together. These steps are our own practice, not a tested method.