"He Forgets Everything I Say"
Several things can make a child lose what you said. The words may not have been heard clearly. Your voice may not have stood out from the room. The words may have slipped while being held in mind. No sign we hold has been shown to tell these apart. Ask your child's doctor whether hearing has been checked recently.
TL;DR
- Several things can make a child lose what you just said. Hearing, a busy room and holding words in mind are three of them. No sign we hold has been shown to tell these apart.
- Working memory means holding something in mind while you use it. A child who loses a two-part instruction may follow a one-part instruction perfectly.
- In our view, the first step is usually to work out what is hard. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first. Have hearing and vision checked.
- Write instructions down as well as saying them. Give one step at a time. Our position is that reducing the load does not stop the skill being built.
- Practice reaches the thing it is practice at. A checklist used on the homework builds checklist-and-homework. A memory game played instead has not been shown to reach the reading or the math.
Why does a child forget what you just said?
In our experience, what everyone sees is often a long way from what is causing it.
Several things can make a child lose what you said. The words may not have been heard clearly. Your voice may not have stood out from the room. The words may have slipped while being held in mind. No sign we hold has been shown to tell these apart.
Holding something in mind
Working memory means holding something in mind while you use it. Following a two-part instruction is one example. Keeping a number in your head while you work with it is another. So is remembering the start of your own sentence. A child who loses a two-part instruction may follow a one-part instruction perfectly. Working memory is one of the jobs running at once. It is not the single thing that explains the rest.
Attention and memory draw on each other. A child who is not attending has less to remember later.
We hold no study of whether splitting instructions builds working memory.
When the room is busy
Some children hear every word when you are close. In a busy room, they lose your voice. That is not always tuning out. The voice they need is there. It may not stand out from the rest of the room.
One thing to notice is what changes when the room goes quiet.
Our page on processing difficulties has more.
What to check
In our view, the first step is usually to work out what is hard. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first.
Have hearing and vision checked. A child who cannot hear well needs that found. Ask your child's doctor whether hearing has been checked recently.
What helps
Reduce the load while the skill is built. Write instructions down as well as saying them. Give one step at a time. Ask for a printed copy instead of copying from the board. None of that is cheating. Our position is that reducing the load does not stop the skill being built.
Written steps let the child check rather than remember.
We hold no study that tests the steps on this page. That is a gap in what we hold, not a finding that they do not work.
Practice reaches the thing it is practice at. A checklist used on the homework builds checklist-and-homework. A memory game played instead has not been shown to reach the reading or the math.
When to ask for help
Each of these is a reason to ask for help on its own.
- Little change, even with steady practice and good teaching.
- Schoolwork well below what school expects.
- A teacher who raises a concern about learning.
- Extreme upset about schoolwork.
- Complete avoidance of school or learning.
- Hopelessness about learning.
- Sadness or worry that lasts.
- Significant delays in speech, language or motor development.
- A skill that was there and has gone. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first, not a tutor.
Start with the teacher. Say what you are seeing at home, and what you have tried. Beyond the teacher, the right person depends on what it turns out to be about. If the work is too hard, someone who works on that school skill. If worry or mood is the thing, someone who works with children's mental health. In our view, delays in speech, language or movement are worth raising with your child's doctor. In our view, if you are worried enough to ask, a professional evaluation is worth asking about.
Any talk of hurting themselves is a same-day call to your doctor or a crisis line.
In the classroom
A child who loses a two-part instruction may follow a one-part instruction perfectly. Split it into two single steps, and notice what changes.
One sentence for an email home: "He loses track partway through a long instruction. He manages when I break it into single steps. So I am giving one step at a time and writing the steps down. I wanted you to know what I am seeing."
Key Takeaways
Several things can make a child lose what you just said. Hearing, a busy room and holding words in mind are three of them. No sign we hold has been shown to tell these apart.
In our view, the first step is usually to work out what is hard. Our position is that a lost skill goes to a doctor first. Have hearing and vision checked.
Write instructions down as well as saying them. Give one step at a time. Our position is that reducing the load does not stop the skill being built.
Practice reaches the thing it is practice at. A checklist used on the homework builds checklist-and-homework. A memory game played instead has not been shown to reach the reading or the math.
Take one thing your child has to do tomorrow morning. Write it as three steps on a sticky note, in their words. Put a box beside each. Hand it over and say nothing else. Notice whether the boxes get checked.
”What to do tonightWhat to use next
An overview of processing skills. Our work on each runs alongside reading, spelling or math instruction, not in place of it.
Listening practice, built to run alongside reading and spelling instruction, not in place of it. No study of this program exists, so nothing is claimed for it on reading, spelling, attention or social skills.
Common questions from parents
Why does my child forget instructions straight away?
Several things can make a child lose what you said. The words may not have been heard clearly. Your voice may not have stood out from the room. The words may have slipped while being held in mind. No sign we hold has been shown to tell these apart. Have hearing and vision checked.
My child seems not to listen. Why?
Some children hear every word when you are close. In a busy room, they lose your voice. That is not always tuning out. The voice they need is there. It may not stand out from the rest of the room. One thing to notice is what changes when the room goes quiet.
Can memory games help with schoolwork?
Practice reaches the thing it is practice at. A checklist used on the homework builds checklist-and-homework. A memory game played instead has not been shown to reach the reading or the math. Melby-Lervåg, Redick and Hulme (2016) pooled the working-memory training studies. They found that people got better at working-memory tasks. Against a treated control, they found no convincing carry-over to word reading, reading comprehension or arithmetic. Researchers still argue about whether some limited carry-over happens. So it is still an open question.